If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
