when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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