I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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