Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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