sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
