If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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