i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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