I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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