You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
