The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
