I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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