Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
