hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
