did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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