i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize