put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
