i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
you never un-have a 4some
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