so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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