Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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