They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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