the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
