my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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