dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
