he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
