There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
