I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
