Duck Duck Cougar?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
