I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
