Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
