Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
