Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
