He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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