Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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