I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
