sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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