I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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