i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
