So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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