Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Please don't give away my fajitas
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
