the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize