I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
