so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
