piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
