Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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