did you get engaged???
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
