I just threw up on my dentist
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
