just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
