We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
