Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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