if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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