She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
