I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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