Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I stole a fireplace last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
