If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
