You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
