One girl and one boy is just not enough.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize