Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
