The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
