She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
